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Fanfic: Turdsley's Turdtastic Tumor
Prologue Chestnut pulled the car up to the front of PS-22. Turdsley hopped in. "Hi honey," she bellowed, "how was your day?" "Oh, hi mommy, my day was--" Suddenly Turdsley let loose the most bloodcurdling scream of doom. "HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG!!!!" Screamed Chestnut. Turdsley replied with another scream: "QUICK, TO THE HOSPITAL! FLOOR IT!!!!!" With a screech the Fuzzingsburgue's van sideswiped two other carpoolers and rocketed out of the parking lot towards the nearest hospital, ignoring a red light and Birdena walking across the street. Chapter I At the hospital, Chestnut and Big Bobby sat in the waiting room outside the Super Emergency Death Wing of the hospital. Big Bobby had rushed to the hospital from an important meeting at work. Listening to Turdsley's screams of torture was agonizing for the parents, but Chestnut noticed Big Bobby chuckle a little. Finally Dr. Private emerged from the room. "Ohh, this is bad...this is so very bad." "What's wrong!?" Chestnut yelled. Dr. Private pinched his lips together and a single tear trickled down his face. "You'd better come see for yourself." Chestnut, Big Bobby, and Dr. Private entered Death Room Priority Critical. Turdsley was lying on a metal bed, wires implanted to every part of his body. His limbs were flailing, his eyes were big and bloodshot, and he was screaming the whole time, writhing in pain. Dr. Private explained to the parents what was happening. He had to yell over Turdsley's deafening scream: "YOU SEE, A BEHEMOTH TUMOR HAS JUST ENTERED TURDSLEY'S LOWER INTESTINE!" Chestnut replied, "HOW CAN WE SAVE HIM?" Dr. Private said, "YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS: EXTRACT THE TUMOR VIA THE COLON, OR LET HIM DIE! I STRONGLY SUGGEST THE LATTER!" Suddenly a nurse entered the room. "I can't take this anymore!" she said as she injected Turdsley with sleeping medicine. When the screaming stopped, one could almost feel the combined relief of everyone else in the hospital. "That's better," said Dr. Private. "As I was saying, I would recommend letting nature take its course and letting Turdsley die. The alternative is highly risky and extremely expensive. The most humane option at this point would be...putting him down. I'll let you think it over. You have one hour until the sleeping medicine wears off and Turdsley continues the dying process." Chapter II Chestnut and Turdsley were having their darkest discussion ever: deciding the fate of their son's life. "The operation would put Turdsley though so much," said Big Bobby, "and it would be so expensive; probably for nothing." Chestnut gasped. "Big Bobby, this is our son's life we are discussing here! Any expense is worth it. We have to take the chance!" "But the chances are so slim! The doctor said that Turdsley has a 1% chance of living through the operation! And say we did do the surgery; Turdsley would probably die, then we'd be left with no sron and no money." "Well, yes..." "And think of the savings if Turdsley dies naturally! TOTALLY worth it!!!" "Okay. We'll put him down. Let's tell the doctor." Dr. Private approached them. "Time's up, Turdsley wakes in one minute!" "We've decided," said Big Bobby. Just then a clumsy nurse bumped Big Bobby and he fell, causing his lips to flap and he accidentally said, "on with the operation! By the way Chestnut, I hate you." Ten minutes later, Chestnut and Big Bobby were talking to Turdsley for probably the last time. The doctor had given him anestezia, mellowing the pain. "Mommy, daddy?" said Turdsley angelically. "It's okay Turdsley," replied Chestnut, "everything's gonna be okay." "What going on?" he asked. "Well Turdsley, you have a booboo, and you're gonna go sleepybye while the doctor puts a special bandaid on your booboo. But this sleepybye is a special sleepybye because...because...you'll never wake up..." Chestnut's lip started quivering. Big Bobby rolled his eyes. Turdsley was confused. "Nevaw?" he asked. Chestnut nodded. Turdsley whimpered, "but mommy...I no wanna go sleepybye bye-bye..." Just then Dr. Private interrupted, "We're burning daylight!" He injected the sleeping medicine in the oaf's body and Turdsley's eyes rolled up into his head. Chestnut cried. Chapter III Dr. Private and his team of surgeons stood over Turdsley's mammoth butt. Dr. Private whipped on his gloves and wiggled his wingfeathers. "Clamps..." someone handed him the clamps. "Fork...scalpal...plunger...string...claw..." Dr. Private attached a metal remote controlled claw onto the end of a piece of string and fed the string into Turdsley's butt. Then he grabbed a remote control and watched the screen. As he fiddled with the controls, on the screen was brown gunk and slimy stuff, then all of a sudden a massive throbbing object appeared which was clogging Turdsley's colon. Dr. Private slammed his feathery fist on a giant button, as he screamed "DISENGAGE!!!" The claw hooked on to the mass of tumor and slowly extracted it from Turdsley's butt. Suddenly all of the screens in the surgical room flashed red and a deafening warning siren sounded. Dr. Private grasped the control, "WARNING CODE ALPHA!!! INITIATE PLAN B!!!" Dr. Private dropped the remote and glared at Turdsley's butt. "This has to be a perfect shot...CLEAR!!!!" he screamed as he shoved his bare wing deep into Turdsley's bowels. Slowly he pulled out a massive throbbing veiny object about the size of a pumpkin. "Operation success!" Chapter IV Three weeks later, the newly reunited Fuzzingsburgue family emerged from the hospital's recovery wing. Chestnut and Turdsley walked side by side and Big Bobby lingered behind, grumbling to himself. "Mommy was so worried about you!" she told Turdsley. "Me happy me back. But you said me stay in sleepybye fowevaw?" Chestnut looked at him lovingly as she cooked up a cheesy one-liner. "Well I'm glad I was wrong." Big Bobby rolled his eyes. Category:Fanon